In Line Edit Lessons #1, we looked at making line level improvements by being less wordy and more specific. Now, we’ll still look to make those improvements, but we’ll also make larger-scope revisions regarding tense, point-of-view, and sentence variation.
But first, a pre-test!
There is nothing grammatically wrong with these paragraphs. Still, they could use improvement. What changes would you make?
#1 “Let’s head upstairs, alright? The wedding is tomorrow and we need to get some rest,” Eric said pointedly. He took my hand as we headed in the direction of the elevators. I have to make sure we don’t go upstairs to the room. If he sees what’s up there, what’s lying in our hotel bed, I’m doomed. Suddenly, as we were approaching the elevator, I saw my mother. My heart started leaping. I’ve never been so glad in all my life to see her.
#2 Dana stood outside on the sidewalk, smoking a cigarette, her hair sticking to the back of her neck. Hot as hell out here, she thought. Sweat stains crept down her back. Across the street, she saw a car roll up and roll down its window. A man looked out. His eyes traveled up and down Dana’s body, noticing her flashing green eyes and pink-painted toenails, and she felt her stomach lurch. She was a cute girl, he thought, but smoking was a disgusting habit she’d need to be cured of. Dana heard her cell phone ringing in her back pocket. She flicked her cigarette into the street and turned away from the leering man in the car. She pulled her phone from her pocket. “Hey,” she answered. “Where are you?”
#3 Kyle tossed his backpack in the trunk and closed the trunk hood. Leah got in the passenger seat and slammed her door. Kyle got in the driver’s side and took off his baseball hat. Leah got out her phone and started texting someone. Kyle put his keys in the ignition and pulled away from the curb. He reached over and turned on some music. Leah looked down at her phone and didn’t say anything.
Each of these paragraphs is making a key mistake. Let’s take a look…
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