Line Edit Lessons #1

How to polish your manuscript at a sentence level

What do I mean by line editing?

To me, line editing is not just catching typos and correcting grammatical errors, although it certainly includes that. It’s about improving and tightening your prose. It’s about killing your darlings, cutting unnecessary words, and rewriting first draft sentences with stronger, more precise language.

So, as much as I want to, I’m not going to school you on proper comma usage. There are plenty of places to go on the Internet for that. And this article from Diana Urban does a great job explaining unnecessary words to delete: 43 Words to You Should Cut From Your Writing Immediately.

For example, this sentence contains several unnecessary words:

I just really think that he’s wrong.

Let’s improve it:

I think he’s wrong.

Ah, much better.

But, like I said, line editing goes deeper. There are so many ways to trim your prose and make it more effective.

Let’s start with a pre-test.

The sentences below are not grammatical incorrect. But they could be improved. How would you revise them?

1. She crept slowly down the hall.

2. On the sand lay a dead, bloated, gelatinous, pale grayish-purple jellyfish.

3. He walked aimlessly through the store, picking up random items from the shelves then putting them back in the totally wrong places.

4. “I can’t wait until Friday!” she exclaimed jubilantly, flapping her hands with excitement.

5. “So, hey, look, I’m…uh.. I’m just really sorry,” he said apologetically.

6. “I didn’t, like, actually want to break up with you,” he said, staring down at his shoes.

7. Walking down the sidewalk with their hands in their pockets, no words were said as they headed towards home. 

8. Her cheeks were flushed with heat, and she was covered in sweat.

9. He extended out his hand and took the money from her hand.

10. I stepped into the room, which was cool from the air-conditioning, and walked over to the the table, which was covered in delicious food.

*Answers below*

Lesson 1: Adverbs and Adjectives

First, a famous quote from Ursula K. LeGuin:

“Adjectives and adverbs are good and rich and fattening. The main thing is not to overindulge.”

When line editing, you want to hunt down every adjective and adverb and make sure they’re pulling their weight. Too many qualifiers can clutter your prose, making it clunky or childish.

• A strong verb is always better than a weak verb paired with an adverb.

• A specific noun is always better than a less-precise noun paired with an adjective.

As for multiple adjectives in a row? Choose the very best and delete the rest.

#1

She crept slowly down the hall.

The verb “crept” already carries the notion of slowly, so we don’t need the adverb:

She crept slowly down the hall.

#2

On the sand lay a dead, bloated, gelatinous, pale, grayish-purple jellyfish.

These are great descriptors but, whoa, six in a row! Let’s see what we can delete. Jellyfish are gelatinous by nature, but that’s also a great word. If the jellyfish is on the sand, we might assume it’s dead, but maybe not. Do jellyfish get bloated when they die? Not sure. Pale grayish-purple… is there a more specific color we can use? Maybe compare it to something with that color? This one is tough, but here’s my answer:

On the sand lay a dead, bloated, gelatinous, pale grayish-purple jellyfish, its gelatinous body the color of a faded bruise.

Notice I still used gelatinous (it’s such a great word!), and in fact this sentence still has three adjectives (dead, gelatinous, and faded), but they are not squished together in a row.

#3

He walked aimlessly through the store, picking up random items from the shelves then putting them back in the totally wrong places.

Walked aimlessly... Is there a strong verb we could use instead? I’m okay with the qualifier of “random,” but do we need the word “totally?” Also, there are some who might think we need a comma before “then,” but we don’t. (I know, I said I wouldn’t teach about commas, sorry-not-sorry!)

He walked aimlessly meandered through the store, picking up random items from the shelves then putting them back in the totally wrong places.

Lesson 2: Dialogue

If you’ve taken my Dialogue Masterclass Sessions, you know I recommend the following:

• Use “said” and “asked” as speaker tags. Use all other speaker tags (screamed, cried, whispered) sparingly.

• Eliminate speaker tags when it’s clear who’s speaking and/or when an action can replace a speaker tag.

• Instead of using adverbs, let your character’s words, actions, and internal thoughts speak for themselves. Trust your readers to understand how the dialogue is being said.

• Dialogue is not real speech. Cut filler words like “uh” and “like.”

#4

“I can’t wait until Friday!” she exclaimed jubilantly, flapping her hands with excitement.

Oh boy. We have an exclamation point, so the speaker tag “exclaimed” is unnecessary. Exclaimed also carries the connotation of jubilance. And the character is flapping her hands “with excitement.” We get it! The character is excited. Why don’t we let the exclamation mark and the action do the work?

“I can’t wait until Friday!” She exclaimed jubilantly, flappinged her hands with excitement.

Or, even better, get rid of “with excitement” and replace it with a simile; make the action even more visual for the reader:

“I can’t wait until Friday!” She flapped her hands like a bird about to take flight

#5

“So, uh, hey, look, I’m…um… I’m just really sorry,” he said apologetically.

Yes, this is how people actually talk: with loads of filler words, with starts and stops. But it grows tedious to read. In fiction, dialogue is always cleaner and more precise than real speech. If you absolutely must use a filler word and/or ellipses to show a character’s hesitation, fine, but do so sparingly.

And, of course, let’s get rid of that adverb. He’s saying “I’m sorry,” so we don’t need “apologetically.”

“So, uh, hey, lLook, I’m…um… I’m just really sorry,” he said apologetically.

#6

“I didn’t, like, actually want to break up with you,” he said, staring down at his shoes.

Again, cut the filler words. And since there’s an action, get rid of the speaker tag. Notice when I do that the comma becomes a period and we change “staring” to “He stared.”

We’ll get to this in the next lesson, but there’s also an opportunity to be more specific. What type of shoes would this character wear? Sneakers? White Air Jordans? Red Converse high-tops?

“I didn’t, like, actually want to break up with you,.” he said, staring He stared down at his shoes red Converse sneakers.

Lesson 3: Use Fewer Words & Be More Specific

As you comb through your manuscript, look for:

• Unnecessary words to delete.

• Phrases or sentences you can rewrite with fewer words.

• Passive voice you can rewrite as active voice.

• Opportunities to be more specific (perhaps by using figurative language!).

• Cliches you can delete or replace with something more unique.

• Repeated words in the same sentence, paragraph, or page. Use a thesaurus if necessary, but don’t get too crazy with the synonyms.

#7

Walking down the sidewalk with their hands in their pockets, no words were said as they headed towards home. 

Get rid of that passive voice (“no words were said”) and that unnecessary word (“towards”). Then rewrite this sentence in a less awkward way:

Walking They walked down the sidewalk with their hands in their pockets, not speaking no words were said as they headed towards home.

#8

Her cheeks flushed with heat, and she was covered in sweat.

Clearly this woman is hot, so we don’t have to say “with heat,” and let’s be more specific about the sweat, shall we?

Her cheeks flushed with heat, and she was covered in as beads of sweat gathered between her breasts and rolled down the backs of her knees.

#9

He extended out his hand and took the money from her hand.

First of all, we’ve got a repeated word (“hand”). Second, this is a very complicated way to say he took money from her hand. Hey, let’s just say that:

He extended out his hand and took the money from her hand.

#10

I stepped into the room, which was cool from the air-conditioning, and walked over to the table, which was covered in delicious food.

Repeated word alert (“which”), and an opportunity to use fewer words. And let’s be more specific about that food. Are we talking pigs in a blanket or a lovely charcuterie board?

I stepped into the air-conditioned room, which was cool from the air-conditioning, and walked over to a table, which was covered in delicious food filled with appetizers: baked brie, skewers of shrimp, goat cheese tartlets, and giant bowl of plump blackberries.

What do you think of these lessons? Do you agree with my revisions or do you think you could make better improvements? Let me know in the comments!