Query Guru (YA Speculative Thriller)

How to decrease confusion and increase agent excitement

PSA: It didn’t make it into my latest list of writing events, but Escape the Plot Forest is happening in a few days: Oct. 21-25. This online conference is for both new and experienced writers. Each day contains lessons on planning your novel, from building the foundations of the story to adding in complications like genre-specific plot points, amazing scenes, and compelling characters. A great way to learn new skills or get re-inspired.

Click here for more info.

Moving on to the query critique! The following query letter and first page was submitted by a subscriber. Some details have been removed to protect their privacy. If you would like a chance to receive feedback on your query letter and first pages, please fill out the following Query Guru form. (You do not have to be a paid subscriber to receive feedback!)

Dear agent, 

I am seeking representation for [TITLE], a YA speculative thriller that brings the chess theme from “The Queen’s Gambit” into a high-concept and high-stakes adventure with exciting twists, turns, and a constantly ticking time clock.

Pieces who die in the game, die in real life.

Eighteen-year-old Penny Hunter hates chess. When her chronically ill younger sister plans to play in the same chess tournament their father mysteriously disappeared at five years before–Penny pulls a spontaneous and self-sacrificing Katniss Everdeen move and steals her sister’s spot. 

Penny promises Evan Green, her sister’s hot chess mentor, a favor if he’ll agree to keep her identity a secret and drive her to the small town where the tournament is held. Once there, she defeats all of her chess opponents and eagerly anticipates the huge cash prize she’ll use to pay for her sister’s medical expenses. But then she learns there is one more opponent to beat: Crius, a powerful AI.Crius pulls Penny into a game that isn’t played with chess pieces of wood, plastic, or glass–but real people, and with her first capture, a woman in town is murdered. With blood on the board, Penny wants to quit, but too many innocent lives are trapped and counting on her. She must confront her unforgiveness of her father and her hatred of chess to put a stop to Crius’ deadly games.

[TITLE] is complete at 92,000 words and has had a professional developmental edit and beta readers. I’m a member of The Manuscript Academy, ACFW, and a recent graduate of the UC San Diego copyediting program. I live in [LOCATION] with my spouse and homeschool our children.

I appreciate your consideration.

First of all, thank you to the author for sharing with us! I love the premise, and this query is doing a lot of things right. It’s the right length, it’s hitting all the beats of the story. We’ve got a flawed character who must overcome an emotional hurdle in order to stop a murderous robot. Yes! Love it!

I was not surprised to hear that this query has already gotten the author a few full requests because overall it’s a solid letter. However, there are some things that confused me and some places where I wanted more specific information. I think, with a few changes, we can bump this up to the next level and get even more requests!

Here are a few little changes I recommend:

1. The Queen’s Gambit should be italicized, not in quotation marks. In fact, do you really need to comp to The Queen’s Gambit? I haven’t read the book, but it’s adult, right? And your book is YA, so it’s usually best to comp to other YA books. Is the only similarity between your book and The Queen’s Gambit that they’re both about women playing chess? Or do they share other themes as well? Something to consider because comps can be helpful shorthand when used well, but they can also be confusing/distracting when they’re not-quite-right.

2. You need a space after the period here: “…Crius, a powerful AI.Crius pulls Penny into a game…” Also, you could say “… a powerful AI robot.” Sounds better to me than just “a powerful AI,” but that’s just my preference.

3. This sentence is a bit wonky: “She must confront her unforgiveness of her father and her hatred of chess to put a stop to Crius’ deadly games.” I’m not sure “unforgiveness” is a word. Maybe “she must find a way to forgive her father” or “she must confront her resentful feelings towards her father.” Also, I’d love to get an “or else” at the end of this sentence to emphasize the stakes if she doesn’t succeed. Something like: “…put a stop to Crius before more people— including her sister — end up as pawns in his deadly game.”

4. It’s great that your novel is “a high-concept and high-stakes adventure with exciting twists, turns, and a constantly ticking time clock,” but I worry you’re taking up valuable real estate (the first paragraph of your query) with something vague (and something an agent could glean on their own from reading the rest of your letter). I’d recommend replacing this with something more exciting and more specific to your book like: “…a YA speculative thriller that puts a new spin the women-in-chess story because one of the players at a major chess tournament turns out to be a murderous AI robot.”

Here’s how we can get more agents interested…