The following query letter and first page was submitted by a subscriber. If you would like a chance to receive feedback on your query letter and first pages, please fill out the following Query Guru form. (You do not have to be a paid subscriber to receive feedback!)
The Query:
Dear (Agent),
Because you enjoy novels with a magical bent, I believe you’ll like my 90,000-word adult portal fantasy, THE GREEN LIGHTNING. Think ‘Stargate SG-1’ with elemental magic and star-crossed lovers. Its strong female protagonist and well-guarded secrets will appeal to readers of KEEPER OF ENCHANTED ROOMS (C. Holmberg) and THE VERY SECRET SOCIETY OF IRREGULAR WITCHES (S. Mandanna).
This summer, Noelle leaves her nightmares behind. She’s off to get her hands dirty at an archeological dig in the Arctic. Dirt is not a problem. Piles of paperwork or freezing temperatures don’t scare her, either. Her new colleagues don’t need to know what does. As far as they’re concerned, she can handle whatever Northern Greenland throws at her, be it icy puddles or weird exploding reptile scales. But when she accidentally strands the archeologists in a strange magical world, Noelle must admit she’s way over her head.
The convoluted rules of the mage society confound Noelle and her friends at every step. The mage king is charming, but his subjects are devious. Their idea of fun is attempting to turn Noelle into a mindless puppet, or conducting a ‘science experiment’ that almost kills her. No, the sooner Noelle figures out how to get back to Greenland, the better. Before the mages, or maybe the dragons, discover her dark secret and completely destroy her.
This is a stand-alone novel with series potential. It was longlisted at the Page Turner Awards 2022. Its main character is inspired by the resourceful and resilient military family members I met as I traveled the world with my US Air Force husband.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Eva’s Feedback:
Overall, this query is quite good.
All the things it does right:
states the genre, word-count, and title (in all-caps)
gives helpful comparative titles
introduces the main character and explains the inciting incident
isn’t too long
has a fun, peppy tone (this is good as long as fun and peppy is also the tone of the novel)
sets up the story and conflict but doesn’t give away the ending
uses the industry-approved phrase “stand-alone novel with series potential”
Now, let’s talk about how to make this query better…
Give us more specifics about the magical world
I’m guessing the majority of the novel takes place in this “strange magical world.” And yet, in the query, we get almost as much info about the archeological dig as we do about the fantasy world into which Noelle is transported.
A “mage society” sounds interesting, but I need specific details. Is this world somehow related to myths or legends of Greenland? What sort of magic is taking place here? And what’s the deal with this charming mage king? I assume Noelle’s main goal is to get back to Greenland, so what is she doing to figure that out?
Right now this query is reading like, “…then Noelle goes to this magical world where all this crazy stuff happens. She’s gotta get home before a dragon eats her!” But why should we care about Noelle? Why should we care about her journey through this crazy magical world and all the crazy stuff that happens to her there?
I’ll tell you what will make us care:
Keep reading with a 7-day free trial
Subscribe to Eva's Newsletter for Writers to keep reading this post and get 7 days of free access to the full post archives.