Query Guru Critique (Mystery/Thriller)

Comp Titles, Clarity, & Mentioning Self-Published Books

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Hello:

We are seeking representation for Loose Ends, the first in the Avery Danvers trilogy, a book that one beta reader called Eleanor Oliphant meets Jamaica Inn.

The 78,000-word dark mystery recounts the story of Avery Danvers, whose brilliance as a cybersecurity analyst is put to the test, not while she is at the agency, but after she is abruptly retired. Told to take some time away to heal from a brutal abduction and a painful divorce, the shy, socially awkward woman, on the cusp of middle age, decides to travel the world through house-sits. 

But disturbing incidents at her first long-term house-sit in the Cotswolds, and later in London and Wales, bring back haunting memories of her kidnapping and her captors. The presence of Gareth Evans, an attractive retired Interpol agent with whom she had a brief but intense encounter, further complicates things by adding his own ghosts to the mix. When each house brings new bodies, Avery realizes she has no one to save her but herself and uses her brilliant mind to permanently silence the intruders in her head-- and in her house.

We come to the subject of murder in foreign places with deep and extensive background in global affairs--one of us lives in Mauritius, the other in the Philippines, both working in jobs that require significant international travel. We are two American sisters of color who recently started crafting darker mysteries under the pen name Blythe Hudson after writing cozy mysteries for the past couple of years as Carter Fielding. 

Over the past two years, we have written six novels, two novellas and several short stories. One of the novels, Murder in the Tea Leaves, the second in the Blake Sisters series set in Sri Lanka, was recently a runner-up in BestThrillers.com’s Years Best Books and a finalist in both the Reader’s Choice and Reader’s Favorite awards. 

We hope you enjoy reading the manuscript, and we look forward to hearing from you soon. 

Kind regards,

The sisters known as Blythe

www.blythehudson.com

Eva’s Feedback:

First of all, thank you so much to the authors for opening themselves up to constructive criticism. I hope my feedback will help transform this letter into something that gets lots of requests in a crowded query environment.

Overall, this book sounds like a lot of fun, and the first two pages sucked me in, especially the very first line:

When Avery Danvers came back from the dead, life had gone on without her.

The comps in this query were helpful; immediately I understood this is a mystery/thriller with a quirky, socially-awkward main character. Comps are a great way to give quick-skimming agents a way to understand or remember your query.

Agents often give the advice that comparative titles should be published within the last five years, so Eleanor Oliphant (2017) is getting a bit old. Jamaica Inn was published in 1936, but I think it’s okay to pair a classic novel with a more recent comp.

The authors may want to think about using The Maid by Nita Prose (published in 2022) as a comp. It’s a murder mystery with a quirky, socially-awkward main character. But also, don’t stress too much about your comps. As long as you’re not comparing to million-dollar bestsellers like Harry Potter (which is generally seen as delusional and pretentious), just do your best with the comps and focus most of your energy on the query summary itself.

People often wonder if they should include their self-published books in the bio of their query (like the authors have done here). I have thoughts on that — I’ll get to it!

As far as the summary, I love the idea of an emotionally-scarred woman trying to relax by staying at house-sits, only to find herself in the middle of a murder mystery! This query isn’t bad, but I think it could be better and sharper, especially with these two revisions: