Query Guru Critique & Revision

From Ho-Hum to Heck-Yeah

The following query was submitted by a subscriber. After revising according to my suggestions, he almost immediately got a full request from an agent!

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Original query:

Below is the original query the author sent to me, along with my comments after each paragraph. Following that is the author’s revised version, which takes this originally ho-hum query to something much more exciting.

He’d been sending out his original query with no takers, but within a week of sending out his revised query, he got a full request from an agent. My methods work, people! They really do!