Query Guru Critique (Adult Dystopian)

This is the KISS OF DEATH in a query letter

The following query and first page was submitted by a subscriber. The author’s name and degree have been removed for their privacy. If you would like a chance to receive feedback on your query letter and first pages, please fill out the following Query Guru form.

Dear Agent,

Quinn Avery, a spunky, strong-willed twenty-four-year-old with genetically engineered abilities, must put everything on the line—friendships, love, and even her life—in order to prevent her country from falling into the hands of the Opposition.

Quinn has watched it all happen. She watched the coverage of the first attack on the news. She watched hopelessly as loved ones were snatched from her arms. She watched an unstoppable army build in number as destruction rained down on her world. She has had enough watching.

Quinn is certain her genetically engineered abilities can help save hundreds of other Edited from the grasp of the Opposition. This depraved organization, with a microchip and a thirst for power, has turned the blessing of abilities into a curse that must be hidden away. Quinn believes she has the abilities needed to fight in this war but now she also has a tool that could free the Edited from Opposition control.

However, to prevent the Opposition from gathering additional personnel for their mindless army, the Edited have been placed in the protection of an underground bunker until further notice. And leaving is prohibited. 

The two most cherished people in her life act as opposing voices in her ear. Quinn knows she must listen to and trust the intelligence of her best friend. They need to venture out and test her application—the tool that could end the war.  But she must find a way to assure the love of her life that this risk is worth the reward.

If only Quinn could prove that the application can release captured Edited from the Opposition microchip. Then maybe, just maybe, she could dismantle the mind-controlled army piece by piece and restore the normal lives that were so abruptly stolen from the Edited.

I would love for you to consider my adult, dystopian novel, THE EDITED, which is complete at 87,000 words. THE EDITED was shortlisted for the Fictionary Book of the Year Award in 2022. 

I have a [Degree Pertinent to the Subject Matter] and have published scientific articles, but fiction writing has an undeniable pull. Dreams of genome editing infused their way into this current fictional work.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

All the best,

[Name]

Eva’s Feedback:

First of all, thank you so much to the author of this query for opening themselves up to constructive criticism. Never easy, but I hope my feedback will help transform this letter into something that gets lots of requests in a crowded query environment

My critique of this query is pretty simple: I LOVE a genetically-engineered protagonist with special abilities that will help overthrow a mind-controlled army, but…