Query Guru: Condense and Expand

Query & First Page Critique (Women's Fiction/Romance)

But first, welcome!

Before we dive into the query critique, I received a lot of new subscribers after the Perfect Your Process summit this past weekend, so I just want to say… hello, newcomers!

As a heads-up, I try to put out two free newsletters a month, and they are always crammed full of writing resources: upcoming events (workshops, conferences, contests), info for querying and kidlit writers, and much more. Check out my latest free newsletter here.

And I also try to put out one or two paid newsletters a month (like this one… note the paywall below). Don’t want to be a paid subscriber? That’s cool. I’m just glad everyone is here, and I hope you find something helpful.

Now, on to the Query Critique!

It’s another exciting day here at Query Guru: we are going to look at an author’s query letter AND first page.

Both were submitted by a subscriber. Some details have been removed to protect their privacy. If you would like a chance to receive feedback on your query letter and first page, please fill out the following Query Guru form. (You do not have to be a paid subscriber to receive feedback!)

And, if you’re looking for a comprehensive guide to how to write the query letter in the first place, check out my mini-course: How to Write a Stand-Out Query Letter.

Now. Let’s look at this submission. There’s so much that’s good — I love the premise — but both the query and the first page could use some work.

If you would like a chance to receive feedback on your query letter and first page, please fill out the following Query Guru form. (You do not have to be a paid subscriber to receive feedback!)

The Query:

Dear ___,

I’d like you to consider representing my fourth novel, WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO NOW?, an adult commercial contemporary women’s fiction/romance. It’s set in New York City and complete at 66,000 words. I would position this book beside Emily Wibberley’s and Austin Siegmund-Broka’s The Roughest Draft, Love Struck by Laura Jane Williams, and one that’s a little older, but mirrors the relationship between a teen and older relative, Phaedra Patrick’s Rise and Shine Benedict Stone. I also think Charlotte’s and Jack’s relationship can be compared to Emma’s and Mr. Knightley’s in Emma by Jane Austen.

Charlotte Cassidy is a best-selling romance writer, but discovers she can’t write them anymore. Since she’s never done anything else, she knows if she can’t write, her career, and life as she knows it, are over. After her sister tells her how the high school bullies have demoralized her daughter, Charlotte invites the teenager to spend her summer in NYC. So now, she’s a summer surrogate mother to her 17-year-old niece. When they run into Charlotte’s former lover, who she threw away years ago, he and the niece discover they have a mutual interest in drawing and painting. Suddenly, he becomes a frequent visitor to Charlotte’s apartment, and is determined to rekindle their burnt out relationship.

Additionally complicating her, previously, well-ordered life, Charlotte is attempting to write a psychological thriller, a new genre for her that is causing all her self-doubts about writing to surface.

My three traditionally published historical novels have won national awards. The winners of the Marie M Irvine Award for Literary Excellence, and the Bronze IPPY Award were published by DX Varos Publishing. The Bronze IPPY Award winner came from Woodhall Press. I’ve also had short stories published in several anthologies, and non-fiction essays in assorted Chicken Soup for the Soul editions. I’m a member of the Historical Novel Society, Women’s National Book Association, Women Fiction Writers Association, Romance Writers of America, Jericho Writers, and Authors Guild. 

Thank you for your time.

First of all, thank you so much to the author for sharing this with us. Again, I love the premise. (I love novels about novelists!) But I see two major problems with this query: