My First and Last Query Letters

A query goes from not-so-great to getting requests and snagging an agent

Recently, bestselling thriller author Andrea Bartz decided to include my query letter in her directory of successful query letters. (It’s not there yet, but it will be soon.)

While looking for my query letter to send to her, I came across my first query for the manuscript: the one I had sent out originally, which had gotten me mostly rejections.

You see, in my most recent journey into the query trenches (my current agent is my second agent), I queried for a year and a half (by the time I signed with Ali I had sent a total of 90 queries), and in that time, both my manuscript and my pitch changed a good deal — for the better.

So today is a special Query Guru post. Read how I changed my query and went from getting rejections to getting requests. Then compare my original query letter to the final one — the query that got me my agent.

I queried for a year and a half (by the time I signed with Ali I had sent a total of 90 queries), and in that time, both my manuscript and my pitch letter changed a good deal — for the better.

How I changed my query letter:

1. I edited out anything that wasn’t necessary and specific.

I cut the summary part of my query from four paragraphs and 234 words to two paragraphs and 146 words.

Think about how agents are reading queries: at night, after a long day of meetings, maybe on their phones on the subway. They are skimming query letters, only spending a minute or two on each one. If yours is long-winded or confusing, they will move on. Use short, concise paragraphs. Get to the point and tell what happens in your book.

2. I cut down on character names.

Too many names in a short query will overwhelm the reader. In my original version, I mentioned three names, and I used first and last names. In the final version, I only gave the names of two characters — first names only.

Queries should be short and sweet… just like my new haircut!

3. I changed my comps paragraph.

My novel is YA, and yet in my original query I comped to an author of adult fiction, which was probably confusing and unhelpful. In fact, I comped to authors instead of specific books, which would be fine if those authors were known for a particular genre or style, but some of the authors I comped to write in a wide array of genres… so, again: confusing. I also didn’t explain why I was comping to those authors.

In my final query, I comped to books that were recent (at the time), and I used one movie comp. I also explained why I was comping to the chosen titles. For example, here’s a line from my final query:

NOT MYSELF TODAY combines the psychological thriller tone of Kit Frick’s I Killed Zoe Spanos with the witchy vibes of teen movie The Craft.

4. I got a sensitivity reader and mentioned that.

My novel deals with a major mental health issue, so I worked with a sensitivity reader and put that at the end of my query. I don’t know if this made a difference, but it certainly didn’t hurt, and I know it made my book better.

5. I cut down the word count of the manuscript.

You have to put your book’s word count in the query, and a red flag for agents is when your manuscript is way longer or way shorter than the general guidelines for your genre.

My original manuscript was 91,000 words, which wasn’t terrible, but it was on the long side for a YA debut. According to Mary Kole, in whom I have complete trust, a YA novel should be between 60K and 90K, with some wiggle room for fantasy or historical novels that tend to need more words for world-building.

In any case, I cut my novel down to 81,000 words, which I’m sure didn’t hurt my final query letter.

6. And most importantly…