First Page Critique (Speculative Fiction)

3rd Person vs Dramatic POV, Or, Something's Missing!

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This is the first page of a post-apocalyptic novel that I assume (based on the query) is for adults, though the main character is fourteen.

Chapter 1

They came towards him.

As he shivered in the morbid cold of the field, he felt a chilling breeze creep down his back.

He scanned around the field, squinting in the moonlight. He looked at the full moon then saw a faint figure in the distance, then another and another. They were coming towards him. Staggering, moving, coming downhill.

Across the midnight field, their bare feet cracking the frozen grass and the moonlight reflecting from their eyes and they came, arms outstretched as if sleepwalking, and their grey ragged gowns shifted to and fro with the rhythm of their reaching strides.

Closer, they came, swaying in the wind.

“Hello. Who are you?” he called. But there was no reply.

His heart started to beat faster as he started to sweat with fear.

He saw their skin. It was as white as the shining moon above him.

Their shadows entombed in a blue-black trance. Their faces of bitter porcelain stained with starlight.

He saw their featureless fortunes.

And he could hear the grass as it shattered.

They came closer and their eyes did not move and the air about their bodies was held in coldness and did not stir. He didn’t know their purpose.

And the moonlight struck their skin.

As they neared him, one at the back froze, motionless, and gaped at him and then… cracked and shattered like glass. The shards of broken dreams hit the ground embedding themselves in the mud. He gazed, shocked with what had happened in front of him as others advanced.

Eva’s Comments:

First of all, thank you to the author for sharing — there’s some really gorgeous writing here! I can visualize this whole dark, spooky scene. I can see these horrid creatures staggering across the frozen grass, and I’m freaked out! Page one is not only setting a tone but also dropping the reader into a very intense scene. Well done!

But, of course, I have thoughts. Let’s see how we can make this better.